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Unemployed, debt-ridden undergrad becomes unemployed, debt-ridden grad student

Unemployed, debt-ridden undergrad becomes unemployed, debt-ridden grad student

Louis King took advantage of his $200,000 undergraduate education not unlike most of his peers. He slept through 16th-Century German Philosophy, Pre-Columbian Pottery of Andean Peru, and the Economics of Video Games. He punctuated most weeks with keg stands and last-minute, hungover homework sessions. In short, Mr. King had the time...

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Ugly, boring British student to record 1,000th sexual conquest

Ugly, boring British student to record 1,000th sexual conquest

Experts say the young man, whose cartoonish overbite and overwhelming awkwardness make Napoleon Dynamite look like a Lotharian paragon of masculine sexuality, has defied all of the genetic disadvantages cruelly imposed on him by centuries of reckless British inbreeding.

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Emory scraps plans to recruit outside of Long Island

Emory scraps plans to recruit outside of Long Island

"Our current admission process under-emphasizes the difficulty of growing up in a non-Long Island household," Dr. Jordan told Torch over the phone. "We wanted to really dig deeply into the applications of these 'disadvantaged' young people to see how they could be...

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Facebook slightly worse for GPA than coma, study shows

Facebook slightly worse for GPA than coma, study shows

A new study published this week by researchers at the University of Arizona shows that students engaged in mild-to-moderate coma fare better on exams than students who frequently access...

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Auto-Tune wins a record 19 Grammys

Auto-Tune wins a record 19 Grammys

After multiple nominations and, in most cases, wins in every Pop, R&B, and Hip-Hop category, Auto-Tune will have 19 new statues to add to its veritable treasure trove of...

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Flexicon: Abbrevs

Flexicon: Abbrevs

If you're anything like the average modern college student, you don't have time to waste on syllables. You're trying to finish a text to Kevin while walking to...

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