Freshman girl “so drunk” last night

October 31, 2009
By Jackson Miller

Emory University fresh­man Kelli Horne of Blue Ridge, Tennessee, was “absolutely wasted” last night, Torch reporters have unin­ten­tion­ally learned.  The infor­ma­tion was made avail­able last week to any mem­ber of the press within earshot of her Saturday after­noon “break­fast” gath­er­ing at the DUC.  Estimates of Ms. Horne’s total alco­hol con­sump­tion range from 8 to 19 shots of tequila.

What Kelli Horne's night would have looked like if she were Mary Kate Olsen

What Kelli Horne’s night would have looked like if it had hap­pened to Mary Kate Olsen

Although Ms. Horne’s rel­a­tively mun­dane night of carousal qual­i­fied only dubi­ously as an inter­est­ing story, her enthu­si­asm and laugh­ter con­fused some eavesdroppers.

“The way she started it, I thought the story would end with a drunken orgy at President Wagner’s house or some­thing,” com­plained equally-hungover junior Colin Weintraub.  “She just got drunk at a frat house and blacked out?  The only way that story could be remotely inter­est­ing is if it hap­pened to some hot celebrity like Mary Kate Olsen.  Actually no, it would prob­a­bly still be boring.”

“I was at like every frat last night,” pos­tu­lated Ms. Horne, 18, whose night-ending black­out pre­cluded her abil­ity to know for sure.  Sources close to the mat­ter say her low-cut shirt and per­va­sive stu­pid­ity made her decep­tively attrac­tive that night.  “Seriously, like every guy was giv­ing me shots,” Horne con­firmed.  “I was like ‘Noo, nooo’… but I drank them any­way.  I can only reject guys when it comes to sex.”  Torch polls esti­mat­ing her attrac­tive­ness at a 6.5 out of 10 sug­gest otherwise.

Experts are still try­ing to deter­mine whether Ms. Horne ended up con­sum­mat­ing any of the unspo­ken promises of sex­ual con­ces­sions implied by her accep­tance of free shots.

“I told Chubby Chad to take care of you because I was still try­ing to make Ari jeal­ous by hook­ing up with Tyler in front of Sam and Nikhil,” noted close fren­emy Julie Moon dur­ing an eight-second break from tex­ting.  “You guys dis­ap­peared for like an hour.”

Chad “Chubby Chad” Dursey had not returned Torch Facebook chats by the time of this writ­ing.  Ms. Horne was last seen still wear­ing Mr. Dursey’s Broncos sweat­shirt like a dress.

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