Maggie’s begins scrutinizing IDs, goes out of business

October 28, 2009
By Jackson Miller

In a sur­pris­ing pol­icy change last week, Maggie’s Neighborhood Bar & Grill announced it would tighten its ID val­i­da­tion process ahead of the Halloween season.

Beer at Maggie's, abandoned in favor of impromptu sex

Beer at Maggie’s, aban­doned in favor of impromptu sex

“Taking 30 mil­lisec­onds to glance at an ID in near-darkness used to be  more than enough,” said Maggie’s bouncer Ron Butler at the time of the announce­ment,  “But now we’re start­ing to see some pretty sophis­ti­cated fakes.  They’re not stick­ing their faces onto other peo­ples’ IDs with duct tape any­more.  Nowadays they’re using Scotch.”

The news this week that the owner-operated bar, once voted “Best College Bar in America” by read­ers of teen mag­a­zine Philisteen, will go out of busi­ness came as a shock to Mr. Butler.  “We had no idea that 98% of our cus­tomers are under­age,” he said dur­ing an inter­view with Torch Thursday.  “We just thought these rich kids with their creams and their surg­eries must be aging well.  Who am I to say that a Jewish kid that looks 15 isn’t a 26-year-old Texan named Chet?  I’m just a bouncer.”

Sloan Sheppard, a vet­eran Maggie’s shift man­ager, told reporters that the beloved water­ing hole began hir­ing only lit­er­ate bounc­ers with sight in both eyes and train­ing them to com­pare cus­tomers’ faces with the pic­tures on their IDs.  By the Saturday after the new pol­icy took effect, patron­age had dwin­dled to a 36-year-old man­ager at McDonald’s, two would-be cocaine deal­ers, and a dis­ap­pointed pedophile.

Maggie’s, located for 20 years in the posh Toco Hills strip mall, will offi­cially close its doors on November 3 of this year.  Among those mourn­ing the loss of the local land­mark are 4,000 Emory University under­grads, none of whom have ever patron­ized another bar.

“Maggie’s was the best,” said lachry­mose sopho­more Alicia Fennerman as she wiped streaks of mas­cara from her face.  “What are we sup­posed to do now?  Socialize with a dif­fer­ent group of peo­ple every night?  Try a new bar?  I didn’t come to Emory to meet peo­ple that are dif­fer­ent from me.”

Hope still glim­mers for fans of the unadorned drink­ing estab­lish­ment, how­ever.  “I’m ask­ing my daddy to buy it,” Fennerman told us.  “A bunch of my soror­ity sis­ters are talk­ing to their dad­dies, too.”

Tags: , , ,

Leave a Reply