Flexicon: The Football System

December 13, 2009
By Jackson Miller

Flexicon is a Torch Feature ded­i­cated to imbu­ing even the most com­pre­hen­sive of college-student vocab­u­lar­ies with the inane drib­ble of slang ooz­ing from the rot­ting brain of the Internet Generation.

Welcome to The Torch’s very first Feature!  This post is a response to a com­mon con­cern here at the Torch office: how can we dis­cuss the sor­did details of our week­end sex­ual mis­takes in a quasi-professional envi­ron­ment with­out scan­dal­iz­ing our middle-aged supe­ri­ors?  Of course, we have the clas­sic Baseball System—1st base, 2nd base, etc.—which even our fathers have used since boy­hood. But isn’t it time for a new sys­tem? Baseball System fans will soon real­ize the folly of try­ing to describe the enor­mous spec­trum of sex­ual expe­ri­ences with four bases (or, for those who dis­tin­guish between Major League and Minor League, eight bases).  You remem­ber the bases, don’t you?

Minor Leagues (for chil­dren ages 13 to 18):

  • 1st base — kissing
  • 2nd base — groping
  • 3rd base — oral sex
  • home — sex

Major Leagues (for chil­dren ages 18 to 59**):

  • 1st base — masturbation
  • 2nd base — oral sex
  • 3rd base — sex
  • home — anal

** Please, old peo­ple.  Enough sex.

While that may be com­plete, it’s almost 2010. Our generation’s pen­chant for regal­ing friends with the gori­est details of even the least sig­nif­i­cant of hand­jobs has gone far beyond the kiss-and-telling of yes­ter­year. Bases leave lit­tle room for express­ing the ironic roman­tic tragedies that we, the FML. and FAIL Blog gen­er­a­tion, crave sym­pa­thy for.  Worse, it’s just not that cre­ative, and we here at The Torch are hired almost exclu­sively based on our cre­ativ­ity in the bed­room.  Unsatisfied as always with the sta­tus quo, we decided to pro­pose an entirely new way of pub­licly dis­cussing the unin­tended con­se­quences of that 8th cosmo, and we’re happy to share it with you, our loyal-ish readers.

Rex Grossman being "sacked"

Rex Grossman being “sacked”

Enter the Football System.  That’s right.  A sport even more wor­thy of becom­ing a sex­ual metaphor than one sym­bol­ized by sticks, balls, and hulk­ing men wait­ing pants-less in bath­room stalls for their trainer to inject some­thing into their butts.  We’ve appro­pri­ated some of the best-known foot­ball lingo so that you and your friends will be dis­cussing the inti­mate details of your hope­less spi­rals into deprav­ity and coital turpi­tude in front of bosses, parents—even children!

Word Definition
1st down Facebook-friending an attrac­tive female
2nd down
acquir­ing her phone number
3rd down
tex­ting her late on a week­end night and receiv­ing no response
4th down
awk­wardly see­ing her at a party
field goal
giv­ing up and set­tling for her pudgy friend
Astroturf convincingly-thick pubic hair on an under-age girl
Hail Mary
sex with some­one out of one’s league
delay of game
fore­play
false start
pre­ma­ture ejaculation
kick­off return for touch­down
sex on a first date
home-field advan­tage
not hav­ing to take a walk of shame
inter­cep­tion con­vinc­ing a drunk per­son to sleep in one’s bed instead of going home
NFL Championship
sex with Hayden Panetierre
red shirt
fresh­man male who attempts to flirt with upper-class females
Wild Card
some­one with a bor­der­line face and body, but a great personality
single-elimination a female los­ing inter­est after a male suf­fers from “whiskey dick”
block­ing (1)
when a female catches and immo­bi­lizes a male’s hand as it sur­rep­ti­tiously attempts to enter her panties
block­ing (2)
when a wing­man does his job right
blitz
attempted rape
sack actual rape
spik­ing the ball
mass-texting friends as soon as one leaves the scene of a sex­ual conquest
2-pt con­ver­sion
follow-up sex­ual activ­ity the morn­ing after
tight end
unfor­tu­nately, this is already part of the sex­ual lex­i­con of mil­lions of Americans (but we had ideas!)
for­ward pass
attempt­ing to smoothly tran­si­tion from vagi­nal sex to anal
incom­plete
being force­fully returned to vagi­nal sex and/or yelled at and/or kicked out of bed
dou­ble cov­er­age
two males hit­ting on the same female
encroach­ment touch­ing the breast of a female before kiss­ing her
free agent
any­one in a seri­ous, com­mit­ted rela­tion­ship (until some­what recently)
line­man friend who is too fat and slow to score, but will do what­ever he can to help some­one else score
play-action hook­ing up with some­one in whom one has always feigned disinterest
two-minute warn­ing a gentleman’s habit of warn­ing a part­ner when he is approach­ing ejaculation
con­trol­ling the clock when a male thinks about some­thing non-arousing, such as bowl­ing or Mickey Rourke, in order to last longer
exces­sive celebration ejac­u­lat­ing on a sex­ual partner’s face
red zone
level of drunk­en­ness char­ac­ter­ized by pub­lic removal of cloth­ing, gar­bled text mes­sages to an ex, and a height­ened sus­cep­ti­bil­ity to the force of gravity
touch­down use your fuck­ing imagination
inel­i­gi­ble receiver an unat­trac­tive male unex­pect­edly expe­ri­enc­ing his first sex­ual encounter
first-round draft pick an extremely attrac­tive high-school senior
quar­ter­back sneak attempted inser­tion of one or more dig­its into an anus
rough­ing the passer fail­ing to apply lubri­cant prior to a handjob
turnover when one hooks up with some­one of the oppo­site sex and ends up help­ing them uncover their latent homosexuality
upset return­ing home to mas­tur­bate after unex­pected rejec­tion by a “sure thing”

There you have it.  A com­plete over­haul of the way you used to talk about sex, cour­tesy of the life­long chil­dren at The Torch.  You’re welcome!

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