Flexicon: Abbrevs

January 24, 2010
By Jackson Miller

An abbrev master

Flexicon is a Torch Feature ded­i­cated to imbu­ing even the most com­pre­hen­sive of college-student vocab­u­lar­ies with the inane drib­ble of slang ooz­ing from the rot­ting brain of the Internet Generation.

If you’re any­thing like the aver­age mod­ern col­lege stu­dent, you don’t have time to waste on syl­la­bles.  You’re try­ing to fin­ish a text to Kevin while walk­ing to class and explain­ing to your bestie how you might still be in love with the guy who cheated on you sopho­more year.  You’re late already because it took you 45 min­utes to straighten your hair and fin­ish throw­ing up last night’s 9th margarita—plus you got dis­tracted because you had to post some TFLNs to your girl­friends’ walls (because seri­ously… it was so her, it was prac­ti­cally like she sent it!)

That’s where abbrevs come in.  Unlike the word “trun­ca­tion”, “abbrev” actu­ally demon­strates its own def­i­n­i­tion: a per­fectly good English word spo­ken for hun­dreds of years by even the busiest and most coked-out of peo­ple sud­denly abbre­vi­ated to a potentially-unrecognizable one or two syl­la­bles.  At this point you’re prob­a­bly won­der­ing why you haven’t been abbreving things your whole life, so we’ll get you started with a lit­tle primer of some of the most com­mon abbrevs.

Abbrev Meaning Usage Example
fab good (often class­ily so) “That cheese­cake was FAB.”
totes com­pletely; utterly “He is totes try­ing to hook up with you.”
(also adorbs)
adorable, occa­sion­ally to the point of nausea “Your engage­ment pics are so presh!”
going to Costa Rica to drink with the same peo­ple you always drink with (also the Spanish word for cow) “Our vaca is going to be totes fab!”
omg I am highly surprised “Omg Carly is wear­ing the same boots as me.”
bf boyfriend (also but­t­fuck, in some circles) “My bf would never cheat on me.”
bff* a friend for whom you feel intense, inevitably fleet­ing affection “Omg my bf bfed my bff!”
sesh a short, often oblig­a­tory period of time “When are we hav­ing our hang­out sesh?”
sched a fre­quently dis­ap­point­ing list of your social engage­ments, most often employed for pain­less rejections “Aw I want to see It’s Complicated with you, Grandma, but my sched is packed!”
bday the day each year that you drink four more tequila shots than it takes to make you black out “Wait, I saw you on my bday??”

* “bff”, which stands con­fus­ingly for “best friend for­ever”, is most often used to describe some­what numer­ous, tem­po­rary rela­tion­ships which are founded upon mutual lust for Robert Pattinson and which fall apart when the pret­tier of the bffs makes out with the unat­tain­able crush of the uglier bff.  Unlike nor­mal English, the word “best” by no means implies “only”, nor is the word “for­ever” an indi­ca­tion of the longevity of the relationship.

Now that you’ve started using abbrevs and have 4 more sec­onds of free time every day, we here at The Torch hope you’ll waste those 4 sec­onds read­ing some of the para­graphs you skipped in this article.

(Seriously, though.  Stop skip­ping to the meatier parts.)

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