Fraternity donates couch to sperm bank

January 22, 2010
By Jackson Miller

Even though it’s almost the end of January, some Atlantans still haven’t lost that hol­i­day spirit.  Despite ris­ing dues and alco­hol taxes crip­pling their wal­lets, the Xi Chapter of the Sigma Nu fra­ter­nity has found a way to keep on giving.

“Money only lasts for so long,” said Lorelei Pallbach, Associate Director of the Atlanta Assisted Fertility Clinic.  “The Sigma Nu boys have given us some­thing so much more valuable—their semen.”

Arriving late yes­ter­day after­noon in a rented U-Haul with a very spe­cial creamy cen­ter, the young men sur­prised the clinic with a couch still damp from the fes­tiv­i­ties of the pre­vi­ous evening.

“We’re pretty sure this is the jizzi­est couch we had,” said one brother.  “There are some wet spots that are still dry­ing, but we’ll know our hunch was right if the stains turn white.”

The gift that keeps on coming

Emory University began requir­ing fra­ter­ni­ties to com­plete manda­tory com­mu­nity ser­vice each semes­ter after some in the aca­d­e­mic com­mu­nity raised ques­tions about whether the neg­a­tive impact fra­ter­ni­ties have on the liv­ers and vagi­nas of stu­dents was being mit­i­gated by any pos­i­tive activ­i­ties.  National fra­ter­nity head­quar­ters imme­di­ately jumped on-board.

“Our lawyers tell me that I’m thrilled to see our under­grad­u­ate broth­ers doing some­thing for the com­mu­nity,” said one national organization’s president.

The Xi Chapter, which had been plan­ning to throw a hookah social at Café Istanbul to ben­e­fit the American Cancer Society, first came up with the idea to donate a couch two Sundays ago.

“We were talk­ing about all the tasty bitches we boned on our couches over the week­end,” recalled a junior, paus­ing for an unre­quited high-five from Torch reporters.  “Someone said, ‘These sluts should be pay­ing us for all this pre­mium Sig Nu man­juice.’  That’s pretty much when it hit us.”

While work­ing on the hookah fundraiser, many broth­ers found them­selves in over their heads when con­fronted with com­plex, time-consuming tasks such as mak­ing phone calls and esti­mat­ing num­bers.  Frustrations mounted, and the fra­ter­nity con­cluded that “fundrais­ers are for pussies” before get­ting drunk and set­tling on donat­ing a loves­tained couch as their yearly com­mu­nity ser­vice project.

School admin­is­tra­tors briefly ques­tioned the value of the chapter’s effort but were quickly dis­tracted by mon­u­men­tal bud­get woes threat­en­ing the university.

“Couches are like giant jizz-sponges wrapped in fab­ric,” said Ms. Pallbach, defend­ing the dona­tion.  “A sin­gle cush­ion can hold gal­lons of thick splooge.  That’s enough to impreg­nate the entire state of Connecticut.”

Complications did arise for the fer­til­ity clinic, however.

“We’re hav­ing some trou­ble sep­a­rat­ing the ani­mal semen we found in the couch from the human cells, but as soon as we do that, we’ll be able to load up our turkey basters,” Ms. Pallbach told Torch.

“I’m kid­ding,” she added.  “We stopped using turkey basters weeks ago.”

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