Frisbee team suspected of performance-enhancing drug abstinence

January 21, 2010
By Jackson Miller

The Ultimate Players Association (or “UPA”), the body gov­ern­ing col­le­giate ulti­mate fris­bee, announced at a press con­fer­ence this morn­ing that it will imme­di­ately begin inves­ti­gat­ing the Georgia Tech fris­bee team for ille­gally avoid­ing mar­i­juana smoke dur­ing the 2009 season.

The team, which lost its first six games before sud­denly recov­er­ing and com­plet­ing the sea­son unde­feated, claims to have been just as baked as every­one else.

“It’s unfair to attribute our suc­cess to performance-enhancing absti­nence,” said Weldon Callahan, the team’s cap­tain.  “Anyone can watch our games and see us eat­ing bags of Doritos on the bench and wear­ing socks with our san­dals.  These accu­sa­tions are nonsense.”

Sobriety, a grow­ing prob­lem in many United States fris­bee leagues, gives play­ers an unfair boost to depth per­cep­tion, reac­tion time, and enthu­si­asm, accord­ing to the UPA web­site.  The bat­tle against such infrac­tions has become com­pli­cated by sophis­ti­cated med­ical tech­niques that repli­cate the blood­shot eyes and appre­ci­a­tion for Phish exhib­ited by gen­uinely stoned athletes.

“They come to the field with Oreo crumbs on their fin­gers, wear­ing Che Guevara t-shirts and hemp jew­elry… it’s really very tricky to tell the dif­fer­ence between some­one who’s been work­ing hard at prac­tice and some­one who hasn’t been high in the last 20 min­utes,” said Gary Flatley, UPA’s pres­i­dent since 2007.  “They even gig­gle uncon­trol­lably at words that rhyme with ‘poop’.  The cheat­ing has become nearly undetectable.”

Players exhibit­ing sus­pi­cious athleticism

Statistics com­piled by The Torch seem to con­firm a league-wide trend.  UPA teams used to score an aver­age of 0 points a game before los­ing inter­est and going home to burn incense and play Guitar Hero.  By the 2009 sea­son, how­ever, teams were scor­ing an aver­age of more than 3 points a game, an unprece­dented show of mar­ginal ath­leti­cism in a sport tra­di­tion­ally per­vaded by burn-outs and awk­ward hippies.

“We first became sus­pi­cious when Yellow Jacket play­ers started cut­ting their hair and show­er­ing,” recalled Flatley.  “During a scrim­mage against Vanderbilt early in the sea­son, we noticed many of them focus­ing on the game and run­ning more than a few feet at a time.  Hardly any of them scru­ti­nized blades of grass between plays.  They almost looked coör­di­nated enough to play a real sport.”

If found guilty, Georgia Tech’s team will likely face fines, sus­pen­sions, and, for the worst offend­ers, a life­time ban from the sport.

“We just want an even play­ing field,” said Flatley.  “It’s not… wait.  What were we talk­ing about again?”

Tags: ,

Leave a Reply