I Hate The Internet: Cats That Look Like Hitler

January 15, 2010
By Jackson Miller

I Hate The Internet is a Torch Feature explor­ing the deep­est, dark­est crevices in the fat rolls of the bloated wastrel known as The Internet.  While we spend all of our time on it, every now and then we find some­thing so point­less, bizarre, or abom­inable that we feel com­pelled to regur­gi­tate it onto our ador­ing audi­ence.

In 1952, Miller and Urey showed that bounc­ing com­mon mol­e­cules around in a glass con­tainer would even­tu­ally cre­ate the foun­da­tion of all of life’s diversity.

Almost 60 years later, Torch edi­tors expe­ri­ence a con­fus­ing com­bi­na­tion of intrigue and dis­may as we encounter the results of a sim­i­lar exper­i­ment involv­ing com­mon humans and the somewhat-too-transparent con­tainer of the inter­net.  Our doc­u­men­ta­tion of these inci­dents will be col­lected in our lat­est fea­ture, I Hate The Internet.

The lat­est of these dis­cov­er­ies is the tragic inter­sec­tion of two of the favorite top­ics of inter­net bottom-feeders: Hitler and, of course, cats.  I am of course refer­ring to that bas­tion of zany com­edy, that cre­ative out­post on a College-Humor-dominated land­scape, catsthatlooklikehitler.com.  Here are some ques­tions you’ll only frus­trate your­self by asking:

  • What the fuck?
  • Which house­hold chem­i­cal will help me for­get this fastest?
  • Seriously though, what the fuck?

If you’re too smart to click on the link above (the URL of which con­tains the site’s groan-inducing catch­phrase, “Sieg Miaow!”) let me break it down for you:  it’s a web­site col­lect­ing pic­tures of “Kitlers”, cats born with just the right place­ment of black fur to make them look a bit like they have stubby mus­taches and meticulously-parted hair on their heads.

Is this giv­ing you clo­sure, Poland?

As des­per­ately as I want Cats That Look Like Hitler to be a sleepy trad­ing post on the fron­tier of the inter­net, the site has (to date) col­lected no less than 4,257 exam­ples of its tit­u­lar pets.  The founder argues that it mocks Hitler rather than glo­ry­ing his image, which must be at least partly true since its Alexa.com traf­fic rank is higher in Poland than any other coun­try.  That’ll show you, Nazi Germany!  Nothing takes the edge off of ruth­less inva­sions and night­mar­ish geno­cide like a web­site devoted to cats recre­at­ing the dis­tinc­tive groom­ing habits of history’s blood­thirsti­est dictator.

But of course, such a site might pass for “whim­si­cal, if a bit mis­guided” if it weren’t osten­si­bly prof­it­ing from apparel anointed with the car­toon image of Hitler with cat ears and whiskers.

As badly as I want to believe in a world where Hitler’s face can’t be given cat whiskers and sold on t-shirts with­out a cer­tain amount of pub­lic out­rage and indig­na­tion, our (admit­tedly relaxed) stan­dard for “decency and taste” has in our deca­dent soci­ety become some­thing more akin to ide­al­ism.  I hate the internet.

Tags: , ,

Leave a Reply