Ugly, boring British student to record 1,000th sexual conquest

April 28, 2010
By Jackson Miller

Oliver Wilson, a UK-born sopho­more at Emory University, will have sex with between nine and six­teen female stu­dents this week­end, finally sur­mount­ing the thousand-girl thresh­old he has eyed for so many weeks.

Observers say the young man, whose car­toon­ish over­bite  and over­whelm­ing awk­ward­ness make Napoleon Dynamite look like a Lotharian paragon of mas­cu­line sex­u­al­ity, has defied all of the genetic dis­ad­van­tages cru­elly imposed on him by cen­turies of reck­less British inbreeding.

“Oliver went to have his teeth cleaned a few weeks ago,” a close friend told Torch .  “After look­ing at his smile, the den­tist fell to his knees and sobbed for an hour, bemoan­ing the inad­e­quacy of mod­ern den­tal science.”

Experts say Mr. Wilson’s cringe-inducing appear­ance and inabil­ity to carry con­ver­sa­tions beyond mus­ings about the weather would con­demn a com­pa­ra­ble American man to a life of hope­less vir­gin­ity and World of Warcraft.  Since mov­ing to the United States, how­ever, the pasty, 5’4″ Englishman has not just defied the odds — he’s pos­i­tively dipped them in his tea and eaten them.

Visual approx­i­ma­tion of a British accent’s effect on the female brain

Science does offer an expla­na­tion for Mr. Wilson’s anom­alous sex life, how­ever.  Described by some as a ver­i­ta­ble “vagina blitzkrieg,” his roman­tic suc­cess has hinged on his thick British accent.

“A great body of sci­en­tific research shows that an accent from any part of the UK can be con­sid­ered nature’s most potent aphro­disiac,” said Sheena Taylor, Director of Vaginal Lubrication Research at the Georgia Institute of Feminine Studies (GIFS).  “I wear earplugs when­ever we’re con­duct­ing stud­ies, or my own orgasms would lit­er­ally buckle my knees from beneath me and leave me writhing in ecstasy on the floor of the lab.”

Behavioral econ­o­mist Heather Ransom has stud­ied the effect of British accents on penis demand for nearly two decades.  The bulk of her research, which will be pub­lished next month in MIT’s Quarterly Journal of Economics, con­cludes that British accents are a rare “per­fect sub­sti­tute” for var­i­ous human char­ac­ter­is­tics includ­ing charm, con­fi­dence, humor, and sex­ual prowess.

“We’ve been able to prove that any ugly man can imme­di­ately seem suave and eru­dite sim­ply by reveal­ing his British accent,” Dr. Ransom told Torch.  “The effect is so strong that we’ve been able to cre­ate sit­u­a­tions in labs where women would have sex with some real dogs, just because they used a British accent.”

“No, like actual dogs,” she explained.  “With their voice­boxes replaced by clips of Hugh Grant in Love Actually.  It was a pretty twisted study.”

Tags: ,

2 Responses to Ugly, boring British student to record 1,000th sexual conquest

  1. Jimmy Fallon on April 29, 2010 at 12:46 pm

    There is a gra­mat­i­cal error in the sen­tence: he bulk of her research, which will be pub lished month in MIT’s Quarterly Journal of Economics, con cludes that British accents are a rare “per­fect sub sti tute” for var i ous human char ac ter is tics includ ing charm, con fi dence, humor, and sex ual prowess.

    Fix it.

Leave a Reply