Blog Archives

Ugly, boring British student to record 1,000th sexual conquest

Ugly, boring British student to record 1,000th sexual conquest

Experts say the young man, whose cartoonish overbite and overwhelming awkwardness make Napoleon Dynamite look like a Lotharian paragon of masculine sexuality, has defied all of the genetic disadvantages cruelly imposed on him by centuries of reckless British inbreeding.

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Emory scraps plans to recruit outside of Long Island

Emory scraps plans to recruit outside of Long Island

"Our current admission process under-emphasizes the difficulty of growing up in a non-Long Island household," Dr. Jordan told Torch over the phone. "We wanted to really dig deeply into the applications of these 'disadvantaged' young people to see how they could be special without owning BMWs or growing up 'just outside the...

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Facebook slightly worse for GPA than coma, study shows

Facebook slightly worse for GPA than coma, study shows

A new study published this week by researchers at the University of Arizona shows that students engaged in mild-to-moderate coma fare better on exams than students who frequently access their Facebook accounts. "I'm not surprised," said Arizona sophomore Paul Xiao during a break from clicking through his ex-girlfriend's latest photo album. "Every time I...

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Auto-Tune wins a record 19 Grammys

Auto-Tune wins a record 19 Grammys

After multiple nominations and, in most cases, wins in every Pop, R&B, and Hip-Hop category, Auto-Tune will have 19 new statues to add to its veritable treasure trove of awards. It now has the distinction of winning more Grammys in a single ceremony than any other artist in history, shattering a previous record...

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Flexicon: Abbrevs

Flexicon: Abbrevs

If you're anything like the average modern college student, you don't have time to waste on syllables. You're trying to finish a text to Kevin while walking to class and explaining to your bestie how you might still be in love with the guy who cheated on you sophomore year. That's where...

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I Hate The Internet: Craigslist

I Hate The Internet: Craigslist

The internet is a double-edged sword. On one hand, it helps to connect people who might otherwise be alone in the world (people who believe themselves to be dragons, for example). It helps a guy in Amsterdam selling used ladies' underwear find an enthusiastic business man in Japan. It even...

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Fraternity donates couch to sperm bank

Fraternity donates couch to sperm bank

Arriving late yesterday afternoon in a rented U-Haul with a very special creamy center, the young men surprised the clinic with a couch still damp from the festivities of the previous evening. "We're pretty sure this is the jizziest couch we had," said one brother. "There are some wet spots that are still drying,...

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Frisbee team suspected of performance-enhancing drug abstinence

Frisbee team suspected of performance-enhancing drug abstinence

The Ultimate Players Association (or "UPA"), the body governing collegiate ultimate frisbee, announced at a press conference this morning that it will immediately begin investigating the Georgia Tech frisbee team for illegally avoiding marijuana smoke during the 2009 season.

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I Hate The Internet: Cats That Look Like Hitler

I Hate The Internet: Cats That Look Like Hitler

I am of course referring to that bastion of zany comedy, that creative outpost on a College-Humor-dominated landscape, catsthatlooklikehitler.com.

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DUC to begin serving food, sources say

DUC to begin serving food, sources say

Emory officials today confirmed plans for the kitchen at Dobbs University Center ("the DUC"), a popular eatery for students who have no other options, to begin serving only edible products during the spring semester of 2010. "We were receiving several thousand complaints every semester about the DUC," recalled Connie Sattis-Long, Emory's Green Director of...

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