Blog Archives

Flexicon: The Football System

Flexicon: The Football System

The Football System. That's right. A sport even more worthy of becoming a sexual metaphor than one symbolized by sticks, balls, and hulking men waiting pants-less in bathroom stalls for their trainer to inject something into their butts. We've appropriated some of the best-known football lingo so that you and your...

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Researchers shocked to discover they cannot teach

Researchers shocked to discover they cannot teach

The study, conducted by Emory University professor Carla Hoffman, scrutinized hundreds of classes at nationally-recognized schools including Princeton University and the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. While the study consistently showed that social skills and enthusiasm had a much greater impact on teaching ability than the conferment of lavishly-decorated paper...

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Aggressive accounting recruiters divert zombie apocalypse

Aggressive accounting recruiters divert zombie apocalypse

Few mainstream scientists believe that "zombies" (reanimated human corpses motivated only by their unearthly compulsion to ingest the flesh of the living) have ever existed outside of the low-budget horror movies that popularized them in the 1960s. Information reviewed by The Torch indicates that, on the contrary, zombies do in fact exist---and that most of...

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Emory mascot promotes anorexia, feminists claim

Emory mascot promotes anorexia, feminists claim

“We're sick of the way our society tries to make these celebrities feel beautiful. Kate Moss, Paris Hilton—they're skin and bones, and it's disgusting,” said group leader Ashleigh Melton during an ill-advised blind date with a hapless Torch reporter Friday. “Thousands of womyn die from eating disorders every year, and Emory has...

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Freshman girl “so drunk” last night

Freshman girl “so drunk” last night

Emory University freshman Kelli Horne of Blue Ridge, Tennessee, was “absolutely wasted” last night, Torch reporters have unintentionally learned. The information was made available last week to any member of the press within earshot of her Saturday afternoon “breakfast” gathering at the DUC.

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Giant panda to join Emory faculty

Giant panda to join Emory faculty

She will join such eminent figures as President Jimmy Carter, CNN’s Sanjay Gupta, and the Dalai Lama, all of whom are famous enough to educate students without ever setting foot inside a classroom.

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Maggie’s begins scrutinizing IDs, goes out of business

Maggie’s begins scrutinizing IDs, goes out of business

Maggie's, located for 20 years in the posh Toco Hills strip mall, will officially close its doors on November 3 of this year. Among those mourning the loss of the local landmark are 4,000 Emory University undergrads, none of whom have ever patronized another bar.

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