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Unemployed, debt-ridden undergrad becomes unemployed, debt-ridden grad student

Unemployed, debt-ridden undergrad becomes unemployed, debt-ridden grad student

Louis King took advantage of his $200,000 undergraduate education not unlike most of his peers. He slept through 16th-Century German Philosophy, Pre-Columbian Pottery of Andean Peru, and the Economics of Video Games. He punctuated most weeks with keg stands and last-minute, hungover homework sessions. In short, Mr. King had the time...

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Ugly, boring British student to record 1,000th sexual conquest

Ugly, boring British student to record 1,000th sexual conquest

Experts say the young man, whose cartoonish overbite and overwhelming awkwardness make Napoleon Dynamite look like a Lotharian paragon of masculine sexuality, has defied all of the genetic disadvantages cruelly imposed on him by centuries of reckless British inbreeding.

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Emory scraps plans to recruit outside of Long Island

Emory scraps plans to recruit outside of Long Island

"Our current admission process under-emphasizes the difficulty of growing up in a non-Long Island household," Dr. Jordan told Torch over the phone. "We wanted to really dig deeply into the applications of these 'disadvantaged' young people to see how they could be special without owning BMWs or growing up 'just outside the...

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Facebook slightly worse for GPA than coma, study shows

Facebook slightly worse for GPA than coma, study shows

A new study published this week by researchers at the University of Arizona shows that students engaged in mild-to-moderate coma fare better on exams than students who frequently access their Facebook accounts. "I'm not surprised," said Arizona sophomore Paul Xiao during a break from clicking through his ex-girlfriend's latest photo album. "Every time I...

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Auto-Tune wins a record 19 Grammys

Auto-Tune wins a record 19 Grammys

After multiple nominations and, in most cases, wins in every Pop, R&B, and Hip-Hop category, Auto-Tune will have 19 new statues to add to its veritable treasure trove of awards. It now has the distinction of winning more Grammys in a single ceremony than any other artist in history, shattering a previous record...

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Fraternity donates couch to sperm bank

Fraternity donates couch to sperm bank

Arriving late yesterday afternoon in a rented U-Haul with a very special creamy center, the young men surprised the clinic with a couch still damp from the festivities of the previous evening. "We're pretty sure this is the jizziest couch we had," said one brother. "There are some wet spots that are still drying,...

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Frisbee team suspected of performance-enhancing drug abstinence

Frisbee team suspected of performance-enhancing drug abstinence

The Ultimate Players Association (or "UPA"), the body governing collegiate ultimate frisbee, announced at a press conference this morning that it will immediately begin investigating the Georgia Tech frisbee team for illegally avoiding marijuana smoke during the 2009 season.

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DUC to begin serving food, sources say

DUC to begin serving food, sources say

Emory officials today confirmed plans for the kitchen at Dobbs University Center ("the DUC"), a popular eatery for students who have no other options, to begin serving only edible products during the spring semester of 2010. "We were receiving several thousand complaints every semester about the DUC," recalled Connie Sattis-Long, Emory's Green Director of...

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Researchers shocked to discover they cannot teach

Researchers shocked to discover they cannot teach

The study, conducted by Emory University professor Carla Hoffman, scrutinized hundreds of classes at nationally-recognized schools including Princeton University and the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. While the study consistently showed that social skills and enthusiasm had a much greater impact on teaching ability than the conferment of lavishly-decorated paper...

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Aggressive accounting recruiters divert zombie apocalypse

Aggressive accounting recruiters divert zombie apocalypse

Few mainstream scientists believe that "zombies" (reanimated human corpses motivated only by their unearthly compulsion to ingest the flesh of the living) have ever existed outside of the low-budget horror movies that popularized them in the 1960s. Information reviewed by The Torch indicates that, on the contrary, zombies do in fact exist---and that most of...

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